hi, *B* -- it's really natural, you know? we react from our ids until the id gets burned away enough that a strong soul can direct our actions, instead of our minds and reactiveness.

the good news is that the ego DOESN'T die -- if it did, you also would cease to exist. we need an ego in order to survive in a physical body.

the egoism, on the other hand -- different story, I hope so. our constant and incessant fixation on ourselves and our limited view of this world and its underlying reality, and a lack of trade with our own soul and ITS priorities -- has to dissolve if we're going to get anywhere at all in this spiritual life, in this game with god.

so -- the worst thing that can happen to the ego is that it gets divinized, ie, transformed by divine energy and put firmly into god's service, not your own illusion of what you think you are, want, feel, etc. do you see what I'm saying?

do you really want to go there? are you asking from your mind, heart, or soul?

I think if you asked your soul to show you, really show you, what IT wants -- there would be no question about really wanting to go there. sounds like your soul is more than happy (and you're lucky in this respect!) to let you know exactly what's needed and it will force you, drag you, whatever it takes, to get you to what's needed.

the question -- how much do you really want to suffer by FIGHTING the soul? -- is an interesting one.

the great American writer, Henry Miller: "suffering -- the algebraic demonstration of spiritual inflexibility."

perfect.

bend, say the Taoists, don't break.

you can't process the experience alone, or in your own mind. that's a bad place to be when the spiritual shit starts hitting the fan, in my humble opinion. seek out the company of SERIOUS spiritual people, and be there. or call 'em on the phone and chat. (still have my number?)

there ARE ways for the door to be opened in a systematic, proper way -- this is why it's really important to search out and cling to a real sadguru, a real supernatural master wise in the ways of the soul who knows your entire history (lifetimes) and trajectory and how to get you across the 'finish line' in one piece.

and also, it depends on your own willingness to work for it -- no one gets through those doorways, safely or otherwise, without doing hard work. that's the deal with sadhana, and why it's so vital to find a master who can give you appropriate spiritual processes and meditation work (sadhana) so you can help your soul evolve more rapidly, and deeply.

then, when you receive an influx of energy, it's neither a shock nor a systemic upset -- it's an energy input that you have the spiritual muscles to hold, carry, and even eat and digest properly.

this is the thing with American spiritual people who blithely go around and taste the offerings of spiritual teachers, traditions, energies and agendas -- we are REALLY naive in this country, in many ways, and have no idea what we're getting into (but we're climbing head first into it, anyway) or that the high channels involve a lot of purification. a lot of work before receiving the high energy, and the ability to handle the purification that results from it.

that's my feeling, anyway, based on years of experience both as a blithe Westerner and as someone who's done hard sadhana in India under the guidance of an unbelievable sadguru.

Alx

A poem which speaks to what I"m feeling these days...

When Death Comes

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps his purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

~ Mary Oliver ~


(New and Selected Poems, Volume I)