Its late and i am awake.
Wide awake and scouring the net in between games of spider solitaire that I just cant seem to win to night.
Tomorrow is huge and as is often the case for me, my concern about tomorrow has rendered me sleepless tonight.
And so I sit
and think about stuff, that probably wouldn't be on my mind if my mind wasn't so over tired and adrenalised that it is searching for stuff to mull over.
I've read some blogs but tonight, the sadness contained in many of them is too much for me and i find myself asking 'why?'- why are so many so unhappy ?
I don't have answers
All i have is faith and for me, faith is enough. Many though don't find faith as easy as I do, and so, i see , that their paths are filled with hardship, pain and misery. From the outside, it is so simple to see, but from the inner depths of anguish, I remember too being unable to see clearly the light ahead.

People ask me about my health, about my speech, about my breakdown and I tell them as honestly as i can about how i have perceived the last 8 months of my life.
The most terrifying time of all for me was the questioning of my faith, was the time when unable to grasp a glimmer of light, I wondered, 'is this all in my head? have I made this all up?'
I spent days trawling through my own spiritual writings trying to find a thread to lead me to an answer that would say 'this is real, this is true' and you know what? even now, to this day, I still have not found that thread, more realistically, my need to find the thread vanished as my faith in the Divine was replenished.

A good friend of mine once told me that 'faith is belief without proof' and in the early days of my darkness, his words were very truly the raft that kept the life of Lisa afloat. When all is shattered and fragmented around you and life makes no sense, although you crave proof, tangible,real proof, substance to your life, more often than not, you are not meant to find it or better still, it is meant to find you and at a time and a place when you least expect it.

I thought that I had lost my faith- for a while there in the deepest, darkest moments of my life, I thought that I had lost my faith. What I didn't know then, was that it wasn't the act of having faith that I had lost, it was the act of accepting without proof; needing to have my world, thoughts, beliefs put into something tangible, that i could touch, hold,reassure myself with became my idea of faith- 'if you are there, PROVE it to me' and because it didn't,couldn't, i stumbled, i doubted .

Reading the blogs tonight, I find my own living in the words of so many others. So many searching for something, anything that proves to them that they are valuable, real, true and i wonder, do they know , that faith requires trust and belief, even when the blackest night falls, faith requires belief without proof.

I remember the fear of feeling 'alone' and that is the only way I can describe my time of doubting faith- 'alone'.
To feel that there is nothing , no where, no reason, no purpose , was the most alone feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Even now, my stomach drops at the memory , and I cant imagine how it must be to live every day of your life like that, looking for something that you cant ever find, until you stop looking and just trust.

There was a reason I got so sick, I'm not still particularly clear about it except to know that it had purpose and reason.
There is a reason I am having issues with my speech, alot of it has to do with shutting up and listening but more so there are changes in my life that could never have come about any other way.

I look back now, at the darkness of illness and i see a Universe that pulled out all the necessary stops to make me stop, look and listen.
I don't question the hows, whys, wheres of it all, I merely accept that what is right for me will be.

There is a peace in that.
There is a peace in knowing that all is exactly how it is meant to be.
There is peace in my mind, in my heart and in my soul.

I believe in me and I believe in my faith, the power of my faith.
I cant prove it, i don't want to.
It just is and because of that, I continue to grow, thrive and live.

Faith is the key.
All else will fall into place.

Lisa x
www.raihndrops.blogspot.com